Why itβs time to ditch the shoulds and create the life you want
Does your internal monologue sound like this at all?
I should really be X…
I should get on top of Y…
I should have figured out Z by now…
‘Shoulds’ are the bane of my existence! They’re flagged in both of my journaling clubs. Whenever I hear the word uttered, I make a point to question it (even if I’m the one saying ‘should’). Do it because you want to do it or not at all!
‘Shoulds’ are like unwritten rules we think we have to follow. If you don’t question them, you live your life on autopilot, instead of creating the life you really want. You’re so busy meeting everyone else’s expectations you forget about your own goals and ambitions. I’ve been there, done that and decided I wanted more for my life. I wanted to be me. Letting go of ‘shoulds’ and focusing on what I really wanted made me so much happier. Here’s why.
Shoulds vs Wants: Does it really matter?
‘Should’ statements have a massive impact on your life. They very literally determine the decisions you make, from the small, “I want to dye my hair pink but I should be more professional” to the big, “I want to set up my own business but I should have a proper job in a proper company.” Life is too short to ignore what you want and follow societal or other people’s expectations. Beyond that, there’s a big difference between ‘I should’ and ‘I want’ statements. The first keeps you small. The second builds you up.
Dependent vs Independent
‘I should’ takes the control out of your hands and gives it up to whoever put that expectation in your head - family, colleagues, society. ‘I want’ is filled with freedom and autonomy. You’ve thought about it and made the best decision for you. You’re going to go for it because you really want it.
Fear vs Desire
Behind ‘I should’ statements is often a fear of doing something wrong or facing negative consequences. It’s really heavy! Fear doesn’t bring out the best in anyone. ‘I want’ focuses on desire, what you’re excited to achieve. When you focus on what really matters to you, you’re more motivated to take action, more committed to making it work and generally find life more enjoyable.
In a box vs Out of the box
Sometimes the things we tell ourselves we ‘should’ be doing are what we see as the ‘proper way’ of doing things because everyone else doing it that way. What makes you feel the need to do the same as everyone else? You’re not them. You’re you. Do what works for you especially if it’s not the status quo. You’ll get a lot more out of it.
Them vs You
Focusing on other people’s expectations is a form of people pleasing. But what about you? Your life is your life. It’s not about them. It’s about you and so about what you want. You’re allowed to do what you want and prioritise your needs. If someone has a problem with that, it’s their problem, not yours.
Expectations vs Ambitions
What seems like the better option, meeting the expectations of what your life ‘should’ be like or making your biggest ambitions for what you want for your life a reality? Enough said.
How to: Start Ditching The Shoulds
Deciding to live life according to what you want, isn’t going to make all your thoughts about what you should do disappear. We’re so in the habit of following ‘shoulds’ on autopilot it takes some work to change.
I’d start by counting the number of times you say ‘should’ over at least a day or two. It’s really eye-opening! The amount of time we spend doing things just because we think we should…
As you count your ‘shoulds’ ask yourself "Where has this come from?". What makes you think you should do that or that you shouldn’t? Who says? Is it a belief you’ve got from someone else or societal expectations? Do you agree with it? Does it make you happy? What are you not doing because of it?
I’ve noticed ‘shoulds’ that came from people who aren’t even in my life anymore. They went straight on the ‘I’m not doing this anymore’ list!
Start with noticing and questioning. It sounds simple but recognising and reflecting on when you use ‘should’ will tell you a lot about yourself - what you want and don’t want in your life and the alternatives that would make you a lot happier. If you’d like more support with this, I have a great suggestion! In August, the monthly theme we’re exploring in The Journal Vibe Club is Ditch The Shoulds. So the journal prompts, guided workshop and community discussion will all be focused on uncovering and replacing shoulds for wants.
The basis of The Journal Vibe Club is obviously journaling. Your journal is your private place to discover things about yourself you never realised. I provide themed journal prompts that ask questions you wouldn’t have otherwise thought of which leads to lightbulb moments. We also have a monthly guided workshop where we journal together and a private Facebook community where we share our experiences, talk about what we’ve learned or are still struggling with, and encourage and celebrate each other. Join us ASAP to be a part of it.
